Surrender is not a word we often like to hear, much less think about doing. It sounds weak. It sounds like we just can’t hack it and so we resort to surrender. Today is Ash Wednesday, and for me, Ash Wednesday symbolizes our fragility and also our strength in letting what will be, be. Ash Wednesday signals the start of Lent, the Christian season of repentance and preparation for Easter. Why do we need to prepare for Easter? It is because throughout the year we forget about the our vulnerability and our need for a Savior. Throughout the year, we begin feeling like we are doing it all on our own. We are controlling our destinies and our futures. But, when the unexpected happens, it can throw us into a bit of a tizzy. By tizzy, I mean drinking the whole bottle of wine or being so frustrated with our partner that it makes a tiny problem feel insurmountable, as if our life is about to be ruined forever … over a messy kitchen! When we feel like we have control, we start acting control-ish. We become control hungry. Control is the thing that keeps everything normal and manageable. So, at whatever point your annual crisis comes, you feel the weight of the whole world descending upon you and you cannot be consoled. The worst thing someone can tell you is to not try to control it. First of all, they are not supposed to point out your control-freak tendency, and secondly, it makes you realize you are probably self-imposing your crisis. What it comes down to is trying to play God. So, every year when Lent rolls around, I remind myself that I have very little control over the world and what happens outside of my small circle of friends. Who am I kidding, I don’t even have control over that. On Ash Wednesday I sing the songs of surrender, I get imposed with ashes on my forehead, I remember that from dust I was created and to dust I shall return. I feel myself breathe in and and I notice a distinct need to breathe out, to exhale.
The Ash Wednesday service is one that rebalances the soul. It feels almost unnatural to take myself down a notch, to remove myself from the overwhelming echo in society that says you have to follow a prescribed set of steps in order to be successful. Intentionally coming out of that path allows me to examine a little more objectively what path I actually want to continue on. While marketers really only have one message, work harder so you can have more, we actually have many other options from that. During this time, maybe more because of my personal circumstances than the Lenten season in particular, I feel like I’m changing course. I’m choosing a new path. It feels different because it is not in a controlling way of wanting a certain outcome, but more of an open exploration of being in balance. I think Lent for me this year is marking the first steps on a new path that has no mandatory goals, no set ladder of success. It feels like the beginning of an adventurous trip to a new place I’ve never been. I had the same excited feeling before I flew to Kenya. It’s a whole new world, and I knew it would change my life forever.
My journey over the last year or two has been one of coming to this place of surrender. Surrender to what is. Surrender to non-control. Surrender to God.