The Way to Now

Here’s what I learned in the last two months: to the average young person the church does not seem relevant AND all people are searching for community.  And, I’m pretty sure many of the people I know would like to find a church that fits their needs, that voices relevant issues, that allows God’s Spirit to burst through everyday occurrences.  As a minister, it is not often that I’m not in church on a Sunday morning, but this winter I had a full eight Sundays off in a row for a time of spiritual renewal and writing.  Not only did I live a “normal” person’s weekend life, but I also observed a lot of what my friends experience without a church community.  At first, it felt odd, but I have to admit, I adjusted just fine to having two weekend days to sleep in and do whatever I wanted.  I realized that I could probably live my whole life without stepping foot in a church and not really realize anything was different in my life than anyone else’s.  But, I also was able to contrast this time outside the church with what I have known since childhood, which is the church as a personal community of friends and mentors.  One of the highlights of a church community is that you can develop relationships with people who are generations older (or younger) than you and you learn infinitely more than you would if you choose only to be around peers.  From one set of our older friends, my husband and I have learned to value the concept of contrast.  I observed, for two months, the contrast in my life with and without the church.  The conclusions I am drawing, now that I have been back in the pulpit for three weeks, are that my life became pretty insular without this broader community, and that I did not have that outside source that is bigger than me pulling me into new areas of my spirit.

Do I miss the sleeping in?  Yes, but I think I found the solution to that.  You have to be willing to forgo the late Saturday nights, (but who in our 30s isn’t willing?!) and put yourself to bed at a reasonable hour, and morning’s not so bad.  In fact, overall, I have been shutting it down around 10 or 10:30 and getting into bed and finding that morning is a much more enjoyable experience!

The other point I talked about with everyone I spent time with over my time off talked about how the church is broken, can be hypocritical, and has too many issues.  Come on, now – doesn’t that sound like each one of us?!  The church is really a reflection of us.  It is the place where people go to work out their issues – sometimes people are unhealthy in the way they do it and sometimes the church suffers for that.  But, ultimately, get a group of people together to share in their faith and you will undoubtedly get a huge dose of inspiration and Spirit.  You know, I thought I would be writing more about how church might be irrelevant.  But, I see now that the church is vital and it is time to get more young clergy into churches where young people live.  It is also time for the church to claim more boldly that it is a progressive place for people to come with their questions, with their doubts, and find community with others like them.

Now, the second part for me is this: how do I make my career manageable and meaningful without giving up my Sabbath time?  This might be a question that accompanies me throughout my career.  Since I have been back at work, I definitely feel a new sense of balance and delight in my work.  I guess this is why people should periodically take time off.  There are some things that have fallen off, like my writing.  I desperately wish I would keep writing with the same depth and intensity as I was this winter.  But, the reality is, I expend that energy at work and in my sermons now.  Here’s hoping I can figure out a balance there.  Back on the Sabbath search, I have been practicing using the whole afternoon and evening on Sundays just to relax and do exactly what pleases me.  That’s what Sabbath is, you know.  It’s a day of rest and delight in the Lord.  It’s a day to recharge and be still and separate yourself from the cares of your busy life.  Try it!  Don’t pay bills or prepare for work or work on the house (unless you love it) or run errands.  Instead, read a book, watch a movie, take a walk, have dinner with those you love (casually and without great effort), and catch up on sleep if you need it.  I am amazed at what even eight hours of Sabbath time does for me.  Don’t feel guilty about it – God actually commanded it.  You will rest on the seventh day.

A note on my continued quest for health and healing of my body … I downloaded a book on PCOS and natural ways to cure it (specifically how you eat).  I had a procedure last month that included an IUI, but it was unsuccessful.  It just goes to show that even when the circumstances are perfect, sometimes it doesn’t work.  However, I finished my treatment with the acupuncturist, Bing Lee, who was working on restoring my hypothalamus.  He feels like after the month of taking the supplement and continuing with my regular acupuncture, that everything is restored in my brain – hallelujah!  I am always skeptically on the fence about whether that is too good to be true or whether my hypothalamus is truly restored and ready to start kicking out hormones.  Time will tell, I guess.  I do feel better and more balanced.  I actually get tired at night now (it produces the sleep hormone, serotonin), so that’s a positive sign for me.  I will continue pursuing natural and western medicine on my journey toward restored fertility and family.

For now, though, I am resting in God.

The unexamined life is not worth living.

Who said that?  I can’t remember but it came to me in a big way after the thoughts I had last week about choices and when to take advantage of different opportunities in life.  At times I feel over-analytical and stress inducing (to myself) and I think, why am I thinking about all of this stuff so much? But then, this quote popped into my head and I see that it is all part of examining one’s life.  I think the worst possible thing might be to slave away at the daily grind and come to the end of your life thinking, I wonder what Paris looks like and I wish I had spent more time with my kids and less time stressing about work.

I recently got to know my husband’s aunt and uncle better.  They are hippies.  They live in a house now, but only in the last eight years.  They spent most of their working years flitting between New Mexico and Alaska.  She’s a teacher turned administrator.  He’s a plumber, carpenter, pot farmer, wanderer.  It is really a kick to know these people now – grey hair, knee replacements, living off the government (social security) but bitching all the way!  They have a wonderful attitude about life.  They go where the wind takes them.  They lived for several years on fifteen acres in New Mexico, in a trailer, with a huge vegetable garden out back, a water well (with the best water in the state, they say), views on all sides, and not a person in sight.  He bathed in a bucket by the fire.  There is something really enticing about that life.  It is simple.  It is not bothered by the world.  Part of my conflict is that I really like the world, and yet, I feel suffocated by it at times.  There can be too much world.  As soon as we pulled back into our driveway, my husband said, our houses are too close together.

Yes, I think maybe our houses are too close together.

What does that mean for our lives that are dependant on the places we work, the stores we shop at, the services we expect (mail, trash, roads)?  When we were out snowshoeing on the aunt and uncle’s land, after an hour, I felt the pull back toward town.  It was time for lunch, I wanted to see people, I needed creature comforts (like a real bathroom).  But, when I get too bogged down in traffic and close quarters, I just want some space and I’d give anything to sit around a fire with all the stars in the world, peeing against a tree.  So what is it?  Is it a perpetual leaning toward being unsatisfied?  Is it a restlessness about feeling caught in this work-world we have created?  Besides all this, I think it comes down to something some friends said to us a few months ago.  There is a real gift in having friends of all ages.  This is a couple that retired early, no kids, and makes the huge decisions we all wish we could make.  They lived in a mountain town for a few years.  When they got bored, they moved back to the city.  They seek out meditation with a Buddhist monk even though they are Christian.  They read several papers and take art classes, but yet, live on a golf course.  You see, what they’ve figured out is the magic of contrast in their lives.

Contrast.

Contrast is what allows camping to seem like a great adventure after the weekly commute between work and home.  Contrast is what makes grand-parenting so great – these are your beloved babies, and yet, you are not with them through every weepy and sleepless night.  It is the glory of a huge mountain around the bend of some foothills and forest.  It is the excitement around engagement and marriage when before you were just an individual living a life for yourself.  It is the same with having a family.  The pursuit to have a family is biological, sure, but it is also the contrast to living selfishly and without knowing if your family with grow and carry on after you die.  The contrast in life is what gives each color its brilliance.  I believe that is why young people seek out adventure.  Travel brings the vibrancy to life at home.  It is time apart from that which has become routine.  If traveling is your life’s work, you may not find it as appealing.  For me, Kenya is a magical place, a place where all my senses come alive and I see things more vividly.  Most people ask why I would want to go to a developing country on my vacation time and spend the same amount of money I would if I went on a cruise.  It is because of the contrast with my own life.  I find the people to be wonderfully different, British accent and all, as they pedal around on bicycles barefoot but always wearing a suit coat and stopping for tea.

The real question is then, for all of us who have just established our careers and hadn’t thought about what’s on the other side: how do we create a life of contrasting opportunities?

I can see for myself that I am in grayscale with my job right now.  Because I desire to have a baby, I no longer desire to put all my energy into my job.  For the last eight or nine years, I have thought only of the ambition to establish my career and shine as the all-star minister.  What I realize now is that it is not a realistic pace for the long-term.  However, maybe short-term bursts are fine if you decide to pursue a life of contrast.  In listening to my hippie aunt and uncle, I heard them say they bounced around from job to job and tried out all sorts of living situations.  They were not afraid of change and were definitely not afraid of what the future held.  That is probably one of the keys to living a life of contrast: no fear.  Believing is a powerful thing and one that I wholeheartedly put my faith into.  We create our lives around that which we believe in.  Perhaps that’s the next question, what do I believe in (my values, desires, faith principles, and dreams) and how is my life taking me there?

When I think about what it means to start a family, it means a lot less energy into a job outside my home and a lot more energy inside my home.  That feels like contrast – that sounds like heaven.